A Small Guide To Social Cues

modern society is difficult to live in. there are so many expectations. so many hidden rules.

i think for all of the explicit learning that we do in school, the implicit stuff that we learn is how do we become people. and turns out that mean other children and peer pressure are really good reward functions. here is my best summary of the main ones. they may seem small and unnecessary. but i think they hold up the world.

one overall framework that is useful to have, for the nerds out there, is from game theory. there are famously three "levels" you can play poker at: only considering your own cards, considering your opponents cards, and then considering what your opponent considers your cards to be. likewise in social games.

level 1: only considering what your own preferences are. compliments and comments. if you'd like to tell someone some criticism of them, criticize them. unprompted and perhaps inappropriate: "you're looking beautiful today." don't consider what the situation is, or what they'd want to hear. personal boundaries and space. level 1 is if you want to give someone a hug, give them a hug. give unwarranted bits of criticism to them. so on so forth. ignoring other people's preferences when they go against your own. situation: "we've got these water bottles that we need to carry on the way back on this long hike. other person has a backpack and seems to be okay with taking these water bottles. other person would say no if they really didn't want it. i don't want to carry water bottles on the way back. i should ask the other person to carry them." interrupt them when they're speaking. dominate conversation. show off. make yourself feel good. do what you want, and trust that if other people have problems, they'll bring it up. think about how other people can be useful in achieving your goals.

level 2: considering what their preferences might be. considering what they'd want you to say, and what they'd benefit from hearing. "your fly is down" "you've got bit of green vegetable stuck in your teeth." bringing them aside and not admonishing people in a public space. caveating your critique. "you're looking beautiful today", but it's a time when they need admiration. or the kind of person who would generally take this well, or not misinterpret your intentions. being respectful of people's space. do not get close to someone unless there is some obvious indication that they want it. defaulting to always consider other people's preferences. being generous. bring gifts for people after you travel. remember their birthdays. remember things about others. ask how they're doing when they're sick. clean up after yourself when you're living together. subconsciously track the socioeconomic status of other people, and wonder whether you're pressuring them into financial activities they don't want to partake in. spend time with your parents, not for you, but for them. assume the best in other people. answer your messages on time. always be available for other people when they need your help — and make it feel like you're not a burden to them. be humble. self-deprecate.

level 3: considering the context, and who you are, in relation to them, and adapting accordingly. knowing when there are moments where it is okay to get closer to someone else, being keenly attuned to whether they are enjoying themselves or not, because you're close enough friends, or both sides are flirting. not having to be explicit about it, but reading the situation right. smile. knowing when it is okay to make that unsolicited bit of feedback for them, because them hearing it, in private, at that time, from you, would show them something new about themselves. knowing how to ask gracefully for favors from other people. not having it seem transactional at all, but as a way to get closer. know how to read the room, and adapt yourself accordingly. still, be authentic. do it without being manipulative. because you aren't. because there is no other goal. recognize the status games, and transcend them. dance your heart out. show people activities that they don't even know that they'll love, but because you know them that well. make them feel valued.

i'm not a level 3. i'm a struggling level 2, recovering level 1, who can admire the 3s from a distance. the most socially adept people, the level 3s out there, the real poker pros, they perhaps know not to try to make the implicit explicit. these will, like everything, only ever be heuristics. knowing that social analysis is often an excuse for just feeling.